You aren’t really queer until two things have happened to you:
Your mom finds your sex toy box under your bed (or, in the case of my former roommate, your strap-on actually hits her in the head while she’s moving you in), and you fall for a straight girl.
For those of you about to send me all sorts of angry “oh, Dapper Butch, you’re so narrow minded” comments, I’m only half serious here… But that means I’m also only half joking right? Because, come on, we’ve ALL been there. We’ve all fallen head over heals for one of these types. I’m just ballsy enough to bring it out on paper (ER…computer screen…).
1. The Self-Esteem Seeker
How You’ll Know Her: She’s the girl who has to catch everyone’s eye. You’ll most likely find her giggling, tossing back her hair, and grabbing the arm of anyone willing to give her the time of day.
Why You Should Watch Out For Her: This girl’s affections aren’t dictated by gender… You go girl! Except here affections actually most likely have nothing to do with you, either. Her flirtation is most likely more about a quick ego boost than any deeper interest… And, let’s face it, lesbians are easy targets… Because all lesbians are attracted to ALL women. Ever.
2. The Not-So-Lesbian Lush
How You’ll Know Her: This one will most likely be twerking her way to the middle of the dance floor, double fisting vodka/Red Bulls and yelling “this is my songgggggg!” She’s always up for a good time, especially if it means being the life of the party. And she was recently inspired by Katy Perry’s “I kissed a girl” plight.
Why You Should Watch Out For Her: Sure, it’s sort of, kind of, maybe flattering (offensive?) when she sets her sights on you as the night’s target for a wild time. But there’s a slight risk for heartache involved here. Go ahead and hook up with her. Just remember… The only thing gay about this girl is the fifteen drinks she’s had and her Joan Rivers obsession. Also… Don’t be surprised when she vomits on your shoes.
3. The Closet Case
How You’ll Know Her: She’s the girl who’s always been a little too interested in your sex life. Maybe she hasn’t had a boyfriend in a while. Or maybe she’s been sleeping with every guy under the sun. She’ll quietly hold your hand when no one else is around, send you longing texts about how much she misses you, and make the sporadic “I mean… What if I were gay?” quandary.
Why You Should Watch Out For Her: The chances of this going badly are like… A billion percent. Sure, you hear stories all the time about the girl who dragged her previously straight friend out of the closet and they lived happily ever after. But you also hear about ten times more stories about he closeted girl who yanked her gay friend around, only to wind up with a husband and kids in the burbs. Be warned… This one might not be ready to be out yet.
4. The Too-Close-Best Friend
How You’ll Know Her: Easy. She’s the one sleeping next to you almost every night, after you’ve finished your pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watched Sex and the City. She mentions her man crush now and then, and when she does, you die a little inside. But then she goes right back to wanting you to spoon her and telling you that you should probably just marry each other.
Why You Should Watch Out For Her: Duh. Red flag city! This is such a popular phenomenon in queer culture that MTV even made a show about it (Faking It). If you’re one of the few lesbians who hasn’t fallen for her straight best friend, you’re in the serious minority. This is painful. Excruciating. Almost a right of passage. So please, be careful! Your BFF doesn’t MEAN to be straight! But don’t misread her nightly cuddles either.
What’s your straight girl story? Hit me up in the comments!